Sunday, 19 October 2014

City of Bath Prepares Diligently for Ebola Outbreak

Bath officials are confident that they will be ready for the impending ebola outbreak expected to stricken the city later this year. Preparations are valiantly underway as all abled bodied citizens take to digging grave pits, sowing countless body bags and building ceremonial mounds for ritual chanting. Those unfit for physical labour are diligently burning incense in an attempt to appease the evil spirits making their relentless march towards this historic city, which is beloved by many tourists likely to be carrying the ebola virus.

Residents say they are preparing for the worst and feel confident that their city will be fully equipped to handle the catastrophic consequences of ebola and their impending doom. As one Bath family disclosed, they feel adequately assured by local officials, particularly after the council's flagellants smeared sheep's blood on their door to mark the home as a dwelling of righteous God fearing Christians. They also noted that though they cannot forgo the intractable ravages of their fate they have found solace in the knowing that their anguish in the temporal realm will soon give way to a new unfamiliar form of suffering expected to be of an eternal quality and hence much more dependable. 

By Royal Decree, 3G Exclusive to Queen

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was dismayed Thursday night when a slow internet connection delayed a posting on Instagram of her beloved corgis.

The following day it was announced that 3G connectivity on all UK mobile networks would become the exclusive right of Her Majesty by way of Royal Decree, the first since Queen Mary authorised the indiscriminate killing of Britain's Protestants in 1553. The decree was unanimously accepted by Parliament immediately upon request and amidst great fanfare from Her Majesty's devoted subjects.

Prime Minister David Cameron celebrated the action saying it was courageous and unflinching in its resolve, reminding Britons how remarkable the Queen's Instagram postings are and how much the royal family enjoys them. 

An Apple a Day Keeps the Russians Away

A local businessman took patriotism to new heights on Wednesday when he slayed his Russian housemate, suspecting he might be a spy for President Vladimir Putin.

This local hero, who has heretofore chosen to remain anonymous, began to suspect his housemate was working for Mister Putin after a stash of snacks went missing from underneath his bed on Monday night. On Tuesday the businessman formulated the idea that his housemate, who is of Russian origin, must be an operative hand picked by Putin himself to deprive Bath's businessmen of their favourite snacks, notably dark chocolate and cashew nuts.

Police announced the death today to Bath's media. The people of Bath immediately rejoiced as the threat to their snack food, though previously undetected, was decisively eliminated.

This Saturday Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will knight the man. who says he plans to share his identity at the ceremony and offer Her Majesty rescued corn crisps as a humble display of gratitude.